calvin fonda

I mentioned before that I’m a crazy drunk bitch at holiday parties. Or parties in general. When I got an invitation for my first holiday party at my grown-up job, I could barely contain myself. Here I was, a small town girl, thinking that open bars were reserved for weddings and movie star parties. But I was told that for four glorious hours, I could pour as much alcohol down my throat as I wanted. For free!

I had only been working there for a couple months, so there were several people at the party that I’d never met before.  Calvin Fonda, a boy my age took an immediate interest in me and began to flirt aggressively. I played along despite my lack of interest. As these things seem to go, as I became more and more drunk, and less and less able to take care of myself, Calvin became more and more interested in me. He started grinding up on me in the middle of the bar, and at one point grabbed my hand and put it on his dick. I just giggled. And probably hiccuped.

After several minutes of this, I began to come to my senses. I looked around for my friend Hugh Lewicki to rescue me. Hugh and I made the ‘I have to get out of here eye contact’ and he approached us casually. At this point, I was holding my license, credit card and lip gloss in a goodie bag I had been given at the beginning of the party. My purse was in the car. Calvin was annoying by the interruption, and whispered into my ear to meet him in his car for some good old fashioned oral sex. I assumed I would be on the giving end.

I intentionally missed that rendezvous and went home, where I laughed about it and burned three bags of popcorn while I tried to tell my roommate what had happened. It wasn’t until the next morning that I realized Calvin had taken my goodie bag out to his car with him. It also wasn’t until the next morning that Hugh decided to tell me that Calvin was the son of a major VIP at work. I never got any of my credentials back, nor did Calvin get back his dignity.